When we met nearly 8 years ago, there were lots of things you didn’t know.
You didn’t know I was afraid of people touching my knees. You didn’t know that when I laugh too much, I start to shiver. You didn’t know the same happens when I cry too much.
You didn’t know that when I get annoyed, I growl. You didn’t know that my favourite Fruit Pastille is the purple one. You didn’t know that I would choose a Disney film over anything thought provoking. You didn’t know that I am ridiculously easily influenced by advertising. You didn’t know that I am terrified of Furbies.
You didn’t know that, when we’d share a portion of chips, we’d fit perfectly, because I don’t like the crispy ones, and you do. You didn’t know that I would get a revolting kidney infection that would basically knock me out for a week and a half. You didn’t know that, after a while, we’d fall in love. You didn’t know that we’d grow to adore each other. You didn’t know we’d marry.
You didn’t know that, on the 13th November 2015, we would begin a journey together that would be the darkest we have ever taken.
You didn’t know that I would get depressed. You didn’t know that I would suffer crippling anxiety. You didn’t know I would stare at the walls, wondering why I even existed. You didn’t know that I would refuse to leave the house for days, or that you would have to coax me into the shortest of walks. You didn’t know that I would lie awake all night and sleep all day. You didn’t know that I would fall out of love – not with you, but with life. You didn’t know I would cry uncontrollably; so much that I shivered. You didn’t know you’d have to comfort me from evils that you couldn’t see and couldn’t understand. You didn’t know I would hate you for not understanding. You didn’t know I would battle my thoughts every day and that I would push you away.
When we got married in August, you did. You knew it all. You knew where we had been, and knew how far we still had to come. You knew everything, and you stood beside me and promised to go through it all again – albeit hoping we wouldn’t.
It’s been a year today since we began our journey to hell and back. We’re not there yet. Sometimes, we take pit stops. Sometimes, we turn around. Sometimes, the only honest answer to ‘Are we there yet?’ is ‘I don’t know’.
But knowing that I don’t have to face the road alone is the best comfort. And I know I don’t always show it, but I will do everything I can to prove to you how grateful I am.
Life now… is unrecognisable. So much has changed in the last year.
Thank you, husband, for not knowing, but still being.
We’re not there yet, but we’ll get there. Thank you for holding my hand through it all. Thank you for walking through it with me.